Question: At What Age Does a Woman Become Eligible to Receive Granny Panty Birthday Cards?

Answer:  My age.

I just had a birthday this month.  And among the many good wishes, for which I am grateful, were two cards that, in different ways, implied that I just might be ready for large old lady underpants.

Another card took a different tack.  It featured a gutsy older woman, wearing an oversized pink madras plaid camp shirt, about to get on a razor scooter.  I say gutsy not only because she was about to get on the scooter, but also because she was wearing that shirt.

This made me wonder if I received any cards like that last birthday, so I looked.  One from last year featured platform heels.  Another showed a woman wearing leopard print (not well, but with a certain panache.)  A third said, “In France they have 3 words for women like you – ooh la la!”  And another showed a picture of Michelangelo’s David with birthday candles covering his crotch, implying that I might be inclined to blow.

But no industrial strength underwear.  So what changed this year?

It got me musing about age and some of its many ramifications.

I teach college students, one of whom I recently overheard to say, “OMG, I’m going to be 25 on my next birthday, I’m SO OLD!”  I wanted to slap her silly little estrogen-poufed face, but instead I just smiled indulgently, as one does with a child, and congratulated myself on the restraint that comes with age and maturity.  Clearly she has no clue yet as to the jowls, gingivitis and dry vagina that are waiting around some future corner.

When one of my friends called to wish me happy birthday, we were both congratulating and lamenting our respective years, and she asked if I had ever known my grandmothers. I said yes, one of them.  She asked, “And when she was the same age as you, how did she compare in vibrancy and youthfulness?”  I had to admit that, as much as I loved her, at my age she had neither.  Even at 10 years younger than I am now, she was roly-poly, had thinning gray hair in no particular style, and wore dumpy housedresses and sensible shoes.  Even worse, she did not have much of a life.  She cleaned, visited her son and granddaughters, watched TV and wrote letters to her remaining sisters.  Once she had been married to a handsome doctor, had worn furs, collected antiques and invited people to her stately home.  But her husband had died, and the house had been sold.  The friendships had died too or faded away.  She had no current hobbies or interests to speak of.

Then my friend asked me what I did to celebrate my birthday.  Well, first I had a karaoke party with about 10 friends.  I wore tights and a sheer top, drank martinis and sang Nina Simone (not well, but with a certain panache.)

Next I went shopping for some new dance shoes.  I got two pairs of salsa shoes, both with 3” Cuban heels and straps that daintily criss-cross the ankles – one in bronze satin with scalloped edges and the other a peekaboo black leather.

Then I went to a party for another friend.  I wore a flowing black hi-lo skirt that swirled when I twirled in those bronze satin shoes.  I drank wine and danced for hours.

Finally, I got a massage from an attractive black masseur.  He delicately asked if I wanted my “glutes” massaged, and I said sure.  I noticed he hovered there for awhile, and then he said, “You keep yourself in nice shape.”  I do exercise, but admittedly not as much as I should.  Yet I had a feeling he wasn’t picturing me in granny panties.

“Now,” my friend asked, “could you imagine your grandmother celebrating her birthday that way at your age?”  I had to admit I could not.

It’s true that my panties have gotten bigger over the years, and now include some Spanx-like support garments.  (Though I wanted to like Spanx, they just flatten my ass.  Support is supposed to mean “lift and separate,” not “flatten”!)  But I also still own some thongs and lacy tangas.  Mostly I just go commando because, well, I’m a commando.  Or an aging hippie.  Or too lazy to do the laundry.  Or all three.

I don’t resent the people who gave me the granny panty cards.  On the contrary, I’m lucky to have friends who want to celebrate my birthday.  I’m fortunate to be healthy and have enough of what I need, and grateful that I still want to get off the couch and sing and dance, drink wine, enjoy life and lick the spoon.*

But the friend who gave me the pink plaid shirt card?  Well, the irony is that I don’t own such a shirt, BUT SHE DOES!  Along with the MATCHING BERMUDA SHORTS!

I’m signing off now.  I’m heading over to her place where I will find that shirt and shorts and burn them.  Not only as a favor to my friend, who is still youthful and vibrant herself and deserves better.  But also as a public service to the rest of us.

reduced tanga panty

*Licking the Spoon is my metaphor for living life with gusto.  In my book in progress about food, sex and relationship, I talk about how to remain youthful, sexy and vibrant at any age.

153 thoughts on “Question: At What Age Does a Woman Become Eligible to Receive Granny Panty Birthday Cards?

  1. Thanks for the smiles. Age is only a number. I an going on 75 still wearing my binkni. Grandma must be turning over in her grave.

  2. Loved the article. In defense of granny panties, on a recent tv doctor show the topic came up
    about what kind of panties were better for your health and guess the answer—cotton, full size
    undies. OK, not the sexiest look but my girl parts are happier if I wear them. Want to reduce
    stress, get some plaid seersucker! No iron, pull it out of the dryer and go, and so bright and cheery! Just make sure your friends don’t steal it.

    • And make sure that it never appears in a photograph, Fran! 🙂 As for the happy girl parts, it’s true that some women are prone to yeast infections, and wearing loose cotton undies can let our ‘self-cleaning ovens’ (one of my metaphors for the female vulva) do their thing. But I think every woman should have her stash of sexy undies, too. One of the friends who gave me a granny panty card added a quote from Dorothy Parker: “Brevity is the soul of lingerie.”

  3. LoL! My girlfriend once jokingly told me that a girl’s last birthday is when she turns 29. Haha. I never quite understood why, but I would assume it is because 30 sounds way older than 29 even though its only 1 year apart. It is nice to see you embrace your age and embrace life as is.

    • Gary, for many, when they’re young it’s 29, and when they get older it’s 49 (again, like you say, because it sounds so much younger even though it’s only a year!) I agree with you that the important thing is to embrace it. There’s no way to stop it, so why not?

  4. Those insights were interesting for me to think of as a 20 year-old. After reading this I realize I have a lot to mature on 😀

  5. I loved this article ! age is nothing more than a number and it’s great to embrace your age , no matter what that may be (;

  6. great article 🙂 You look really young!! Plus it is true age is just a number. I recently turned 21 but I have not started to believe that I am old like some friends have!!!

  7. Hello! Nelda Burgos here from your Human Sexuality class TWTH. Your article made me laugh! I do have to say I love granny pannies. When it comes to lingerie i’m so boring I think it reflects the way I am about sex. I’m learning to be more open minded but it is hard. I have gained more confidence with having changing my diet and exercise.

    I truly am enjoying class but on the other hand I am reading/seeing a lot of things that make me feel uncomfortable. I hope that by the end of winter session there will be a whole new light on the subject of sex and intimacy.

  8. I’ll admit, I’m one of those students that complain they’re getting old and I’m not even 21 yet 😛 I think it’s acceptable at any age to receive granny panty birthday cards, wearing them is a different matter. I honestly think you’re as young as you feel or in my case as old as you feel. Great post! 🙂

    • Nicole, 21, you crack me up! Of course you’re older than you were at 17 (10, 4, fetus!), but puh-leeze! I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but you have your whole life ahead of you! Whereas most of my life is behind me, but guess what – it’s been a great ride! Hope yours is, too.

  9. This article made me laugh from stiletto pumps to granny panties. Personally I like getting older. Another year is another opportunity to explore and live. Age I can’t imaging holding you back. I have seen wrinkly grey haired old men and woman run 3K races faster than me as a runner in high school. It would be amazing watching them pass me by as I was catching my breath. I have no doubt that a person can live a very long time able and active. I think aging is awesome, it bugs me when woman dye their hair because they see gray. I think gray hair is beautiful. When a man has gray hair he is wise and so on, but with a woman its she is too old all of a sudden. Well I digress from this double standard.

  10. I am one of those students that complain about getting old even though I am only 20. But when it comes to granny panties I have nothing against it, I actually think they are the most comfortable.This article was really interesting and had me laughing.

    • Feeling old at 20! That sounds crazy to me! But it proves it’s a matter of perspective – you are old compared to how you were at 10. Just be glad that hopefully you have so much more to come, even wearing granny panties!

  11. Most adults grumble and complain about getting older. They would prefer not to be reminded of how old they are with a cake filled of a wide stack of candles. So I wonder how we would “feel” like if we did not know how old we actually are. Would it make a difference? I certainly think so.
    The only time we are actually excited about getting older is when we are still young. We even think in fractions! “How old are you?” “FOUR AND A HALF”. But once we get older we say “hit 40 or even reached 50”. I think people stress out way too much about their age! Instead they should rather enjoy life to the fullest. Your article is hilarious, definitely made me laugh, and I do agree with you that there is no age limit in doing the things one loves or in even wearing sexy underwear. However, I have to admit that my mom received one of those cards before too, but just because I think they are pretty funny 🙂

    • I think you’re right, Kat, about the young yearning to reach that older age, and the older going the opposite direction. What an interesting idea, us not knowing our ages. Ultimately I agree that enjoying life is what matters. Those cards are funny because there is some truth in humor.

  12. I do not think women at any age should become eligible to receive granny panty birthday cards, but the society is pushing every women to receive granny panty birthday cards at certain age. If you ask me if a women should wear a bikini at 80’s year old, i would have answered No even I know the answer should be yes. People made society and society made people. Therefore, I do follow the society since I can not changed meanwhile I really hate that I have to follow the society. However, even many people do say No on women at certain age should become eligible to receive granny panty birthday cards, but I do believed in their mind their answer is yes.

  13. Professor, you are so awesome! I admire your fashion sense and would never dare to defy that by sending you granny panties on your birthday. Keep wearing what makes you feel good, you are an inspiration to all future granny panty worriers!(:

  14. I can’t help but think you feel a little offended at the granny panty gesture. I know girls around my age that have worn that type of undergarment lol. You are the age you feel right? So if you feel as if you’re not at the granny panty age yet, you’re not.

  15. This article had me laughing especially when you said you wanted to “slap” that young girl claiming 25 is “OLD.” I enjoy reading your articles, they keep me entertained!

  16. I love this article because it reminds me of my mom, who is in her 60s. Whenever we go shopping at Victoria’s Secret, she always ends up buying bikinis and lacy underwear!

  17. I have to echo what Nicole says, “it’s acceptable at any age to receive granny panty birthday cards, wearing them is a different matter.” I can’t help, but judge people at the beach when they wear something that’s…not flattering!

  18. I think that as long as your friends have a good sense of humor then a Granny Pantie birthday card is appropriate. In fact, when I turned 21 this past summer, my best friend gave me a birthday card that said over the hill with an old lady in granny panties and a dragging bra (I still have it and it puts a smile on my face when I look at it). I thought it was hilarious and ironic, since she turned 21 about 6 months before I did, but I’m the one always complaining that I am getting old. I suppose I feel this way because all of my friends are in relationships, have children, finishing their careers, or thinking of getting married or already are… and I’m have not reached those points in my life yet, it’s like I’m falling behind somehow.

    Your article made me think of the cliche question, ‘boxers or briefs?’ Do undergarments really contribute to one’s sexuality or sex appeal?

    Honestly, ‘granny panties’ are the most comfortable, but every once in a while when dressing up professionally or to go dancing a little lace trimmed underwear makes you feel prettier 🙂

    • Thank you for your thought-provoking comments! I think what contributes most to one’s sexuality is to feel comfortable in your skin and wear whatever makes you feel good at a given time.

  19. I admire your youthfulness Lynda, we all need to take your advice and never grow old, we are all spring chickens!!! Lol!!!

  20. I just love your personality and confidence Lynda! This was so cute and made me laugh. PS: Spanks make my ass look flat too! LOL

    • I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who has trouble with Spanx! Confidence comes with age and experience – and if you’re open to becoming who you are. It’s fun to share a more casual side with my students through this blog.

  21. It’s true that age is depend on how you see and portray yourself, not depending on how old you actually are. Lynda, I don’t think you will ever need granny panties because you are positive, energetic, and vibrant inside out.

  22. I really love this article. It was funny. I had liked what Kelly Q said and it is very true. I personally think women should wear whatever underwear they are comfortable with either it is sexy or not. I liked the picture of the bra and underwear, I don’t think it is old, it is a sexy look. Well with those birthday cards someday it will come around for these young women, but if it is same age, as long as they are cool about it. Enjoy your age Lynda. Don’t let women haters get to you, there’s women out there that are Cool about it. No one is this world is getting any younger, everybody is getting older either we like it or not.

  23. I really enjoyed this article and you are so right, you need to embrace your age and live your life. I think age is how you see and portray yourself. I hope when I reach your age I am as lively and vibrant as you are!

  24. I love this article. This actually had my mom laughing because she wears granny panties! LOL. And to be honest, so do I! Personally, I don’t think their’s anything wrong with wearing granny panties. They’re comfortable, smug, and very reliable, and they are a MUST when you’re on your fucking period. 😀 And I honestly thought it was cool that you wanted to slap that 25 year old at school because I don’t think you’re old Professor. You’re right where you need to be.

  25. I absolutely love how youthful and full of life you are!.you are very inspirational !you do not look your age at all! I have to admit that at 20 years of age I too say I’m old like that girl. I know it’s dumb but I think I feel that way because I am a mother and I feel that way. Loved this post!

  26. LOL really had fun reading this one. “Clearly she has no clue yet as to the jowls, gingivitis and dry vagina that are waiting around some future corner. probably the funniest line to me. haha

  27. Hilarious article ! I must add I don’t seem to like age appropriate undergarments , in fact I love the idea of granny panties haha. That’s not weird right ?

  28. Age is what you make it out to be you act old of course you are going to feel old you act young you will feel young,so act the age you want to feel.

  29. Enjoyed the article thanks for the giggles. But i think that age dosnt have anything to do with it as long as your comfortable going commando thats all that matters hahah.

  30. “Clearly she has no clue yet as to the jowls, gingivitis and dry vagina that are waiting around some future corner.”

    Omg. This line worried me a little.. But, interesting and funny article!

  31. Great article! I am hoping I become one of those women that gets better with age. I am looking forward to overcoming new obstacles now that I am a little older and wiser.

    I still think you look great, whether or not you have Granny panties 🙂

  32. This post had me giggling all the way through! I just turned 23 and have been saying how old I feel the last couple weeks…. Now I know not to mention this in class or you just might “slap my silly little estrogen-poufed face!” LOL oh my gosh, I laughed so hard at that!

  33. I enjoy that you were so honest and I believe that most people don’t like to have birthdays because they know that soon the “jowls, gingivitis and dry vagina” might be awaitng them so they have a fear of aging. This article was yet again very funny and it was a pleasure to read.

  34. This article is awesome! I actually laughed out loud a couple of times. I honestly can’t relate personally because I am only 21 and I don’t wear granny panties but I do hope that I can remain as spirited as you have throughout the years. 🙂

  35. Age is Just a number its really how you feel about yourself. That being said I’m 24 and old lol but that’s due to the physical strain i put on my body with sports and my reckless behavior. However, as a man I firmly believe people should wear what makes them feel and look great. Lynda you look stunning at your age and I say do whatever you want because its working

  36. I truly do look up to older women that still got it, and to be honest look better then they did when they were younger. I believe the more positive and fun outlook you have about getting older the younger you will stay. Great article!

  37. The comment about the 25 year old girl claiming to be old is pretty funny to me. I remember thinking the same thing only because i kept telling myself that it meant that I was half way to 50. Im a few years older now and even closer to 50 but I do not feel any different. I decided age how you feel and act not a number. Bring it on! As long as Im still capable of having a sex life that is…

  38. I really enjoyed reading this article! It made my day! Age is nothing but a number. The important thing is to be yourself!

  39. I personally believe youth is not just physical, but a mindset as well. As long as one is able to keep this then yes, maybe people will be able to see the physical evidence of age but that would be not be a fair judgement of how “youthful” a person is.

  40. This story was quite amusing. Having friends for years must be a nice relationship, being able to talk about things ten years ago. Don’t worry about the granny panty cards their just to make you laugh. For my best friend whose about to turn 21 (The last person in our group of friends to do so), were giving him a set of diapers to symbolize him not being a baby anymore ironically. =)

  41. I don’t believe it’s the age that causes an individuals to think someone’s old, it’s their spirit, and you got spirit. YOU don’t have anything to worry about, but like you said and how you described your grandmother, kinda reminded me of my grandmother, watched a lot of T.V. didn’t participate in the up-comming trends and kept to herself or talked with me and my mom only. My mom on the other hand, who is turning 60 this year, was way more active and trendy than my grandmother at 60. My mom has a ton of spirit and because of that I keep finding myself stuck thinking she is the 35 year old woman I grew up with. People will ask me, “How old’s your mom” and I’m always replying “around 40,” but its her spirit I don’t know you on a personal level, but just seeing your personality, how well you take care of your self, in the hour and a half once week time period, the age you will need granny panties is the day McDonald’s goes out of business.

  42. Thanks for the laughs! I believe that age is only just a number and you cant wear and act however you want to make yourself feel good about your body instead of an “old lady”

  43. “Clearly she has no clue yet as to the jowls, gingivitis and dry vagina that are waiting around some future corner.” Dry vagina hahahaha… I’m laughing now, while I’m in my 20s hopefully I still have that sense of humor when it happens to me, a little KY will probably help lol

  44. You have such an inspiring perspective on your age/getting older. I love that you keep an active and adventurous lifestyle, hopefully I can be like that!

  45. Yes age is just a number, I loved how you spent your birthday. I will never take my age for granted and I hope when Im a grandmother, not just sitting around on my birthday, but taking every birthday I have and making the most of them. When you said “dry vagina” that had me laughing for days, something I will definitely not be looking forward too. Loved this blog though, and will definetly not be saying “I feel so old” when I am just in my early 20’s, out loud ANYMORE!!!!

  46. I really enjoyed your article! It does not matter how old you are, you should still enjoy yourself. DO things that one could not do because of work, chores, school, and or children. I admire how you acknowledge your age and yet enjoy and live life to the fullest.

  47. I think women can rock any type of panties at any age. Rock on with those leopard print undies! By the way, how was the gluteus maximus massage? My butt is definitely my favorite body part to get massaged!

  48. First, I’ll admit that I might be one of those girls who you would like to slap across the face for not really knowing what old means. Next, even though you received a granny panty birthday card on your birthday, I still think you got that card by mistake. Maybe the store ran out of cards, so your friend had no choice but to get you that particular card! You, Professor Hoggan are without a doubt one of the most vibrant and sexy woman I have ever seen in my life and I honestly just hope that I will be able to “dance, drink wine, enjoy life and lick the spoon” when I am truly old enough to know what old really means.

  49. I loved this article! 😊
    I don’t believe there is any age in specific to wear any type of underwear.
    I am about to turn 21 and your post was very interesting as it made me think of the future.
    I do believe and agree with you that we are fortunate to have friends who are comfortable enough to even give us these types of cards. Did you give her a card of that sort on her birthday? 😅

  50. Cards like that make anyone contemplate their age. My mother who, so far, is aging gracefully, despite former drug use in her youth, still gets butthurt when she receives cards like granny panties because she hates feeling old. I honestly believe you’re only old if you believe you are and let yourself be. Me, unlike anyone I know, give interesting gifts to make them feel… happy I guess is a good euphemism, like giving my best friend a jackrabbit for her eighteenth birthday. I guess the amount of batteries in her house play a part in making her feel youthful, as long as they don’t run out.

  51. Its nice to know that when I do age that I can still enjoy all the same sexy items of clothing as I do now maybe just in moderation later:) Wouldn’t want to give me husband a heart attack!

  52. Age is nothing but a number. It doesn’t matter what age you are, you can wear whatever you want as long as you love feel happy.

  53. I always tease my mom about granny panties and that she shouldn’t be wearing those said “period panties,” but truth is they are quite comfortable even at my age. I always tease her that she’s getting old but in reality she’s young, 45 is no big deal. Once she hits 50 all the jokes are coming out though. Recently I overheard my dad saying that she should stop wearing such ugly underwear which he doesn’t like so off they went to Victoria’s Secret. When she came back the bag was filled with thongs and cheeksters. Lets just say those underwear stay in the drawer collecting dust. In all, I don’t think the underwear really phase her. But talking about her age definitely triggers something.

  54. This just convinced me to wear thongs well into my 70’s! The only problem is I don’t really like thongs all that much. I’ll probably just stick with lacy panties then, bit more comfortable.

  55. First off wow based on how our class is going I really didn’t know you were this funny. I was totally just rolling all over the floor laughing haha. But in regards to the article it was good because it was funny yet informative. Because I agree although those cards are funny and I have given them to some people that will remain unnamed I think you have a right to view yourself however you want. I have met some older people that look better and are in better shape then some young people. Also, you have those people that like to dress a certain way because that’s how they were raised or that’s what they are most comfortable in. So, I say that to say wear whatever you want when it comes to your underpants as long as you are comfortable even if that is no underpants at all. 😉

  56. “Clearly she has no clue yet as to the jowls, gingivitis and dry vagina that are waiting around some future corner.” I love that! Oh the joys of aging and what I have to look forward to. Haha

  57. My older sister and I did this for my mom’s 50th Birthday 2 years ago. As a gag gift although I’m not sure if she actually uses them… haha.

  58. I’m turning 21 next month and honestly have been been dreading it… For some reason, being able to legally buy alcohol somehow makes me feel like my life is passing me by (haha so dramatic). Thanks for putting things into perspective for me! Age doesn’t matter so long as you’re surrounded by friends and family! Keep on keepin onnnnn 🙂

  59. Absolutely love this article. It really made me laugh! Age is definitely a number and its only how you feel is the truth. I also think I learned a little more than I really needed to know but thats ok to.

  60. I believe you can only allow yourself to be old. I find it very important to keep a happy and youthful life throughout your whole life. if you allow yourself to be “old” that is when you become old.

  61. I think this reading was funny. I must say though, that a person should be able to wear what they feel is comfortable. I remember a time when I was thin and all I wore were thongs or went straight commando. I felt comfortable with this. Today I cant even wear a thong, its so uncomfortable. A lot of things changed after I became a mother. A lot of things became not so comfortable anymore.

  62. It’s funny to read this post because even at my age when I receive birthday cards they all seem to say something about how old I’m becoming (I’m 20). It’s all jokes but I can’t help, but think how life is passing by and another birthday has passed. However, we have to take in consideration all things we have lived and the accomplishments and wisdom that comes with age. I look at my grandma (86) and she still has a fun exciting life. She always has parties at her house and travels a lot with her friends. She does wear sensible shoes, but she has it going on. In fact all the gifts that she gets is for alcohol or sexy lingerie. We are never too old to enjoy ourselves.

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